If i was on that VH1 show “Tough Love” i’m sure i’d get the nickname ‘Ms. Hopeful’ . I tend to hope shit will workout in my favor. There seems to be a pattern here. In due time, I invest myself in someone and after however many months go on, I find myself having “the talk”; “If the time was right, I’d marry you right now” he says. “You’re perfect. I’d love to end up with someone like you… Dont you ever change!” Guess the time’s never right. 


Hugo was different. I didn’t know it at the time, but I’ve realized it now. Thinking back, I didn’t rush like I tend to do with others. There was no “i love you” involved. No need for imagination. No illusion of what the future can hold. Jus personality! Two genuine beings. And it actually worked. It worked so much it scared him. And of course, left me sitting aside my phone…waiting. 

The crazy thing is, I know it wasn’t love. Our relationship hadn’t reached that maturity yet. But the real ass friendship our intimacy branched off of was more than enough. I find myself wired over the whole thing; I can’t seem to rest well with the absence of his scent. 

What the fuuuck is wrong with me?!! In the situations themselves, I allow everything to play out. But why does it always fail? I know I say this all the time, but he was R E A L L Y that guy for me <3 I guess when you want something like that to work, you gotta stop wanting so bad or it’ll be gone. 

It’s ohk to be sad tho, right? It’s jus, sometimes, I really miss having someone to vent to. Someone who knows me entirely. They’ll sit and listen, and hold me close (even if it’s mentally) with no judgement.. Sometimes, it’s really hard to stay strong.  

:( </3

(Source: staypozitive)

Honestly, reality is starting to look brighter than my dreams.. <3 :)

(Source: staypozitive)

I know it’s so cliche to say “the new year is time for a change,” but for me 2012 really is a new start. Being alone these last few weeks has truly given me the opportunity to grow. I’m completely independent now: I’ve officially spent the major holidays on my own, I’ve picked myself up and I’m doing pretty well in school, I have an okay job, and honestly, this battered heart I’ve carried (for as long as I can remember) is learning to heal. I’ve created a beautiful life out here in Chico, and I’m so proud to say I’ve done it all by myself. I’m surrounded by wonderfully ambitious people of multiple kind. And for the first, in a very long time, I smile almost every day. Yet, not a second goes by that I dont wish I could be sharing this with some.  

However, I will not allow that to burden me! In my 20yrs of chaotic life, I’m at my climax of strength and happiness. The distance has blessed me with the ability to learn forgiveness and forget hatred. I’m learning to cope with the compulsions I have to love those who have hurt me and I’m determined to focus more so on those whom I matter. But most importantly, I’ve begun to find my faith. 

God has blessed me with the optimism that comes with a new year. Now it is my turn. I pray for better health (for me and my loved ones), a continuance of good fortune and happiness, all around. <3

The man’s a genius i tell you! <3

Thnks 2012! He’s doin it to me <3
Still terrified, but he’s patient :)  

(Source: fuckyeahamazing)